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HANNAH (submitted 27th May 2004)
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My name is Hannah Butterworth. I live in England. I am 24. I have M.E. and have lived with this illness on and off for the past 13 years. I have experienced this illness as a child, as a teenager and now as an adult. .About four years ago I was admitted to the specialist unit at Oldchurch Hospital, Romford under the care of Professor Findley. There I met five other people with the same condition but with different degrees of severity. This experience I truly believe has been life changing.
When I first became ill I wasn't sure what was wrong with me, I was having blood test after blood test and they all came back negative for everything that I was tested for.
Some days it got to the point where I was wondering if there was actually anything physically wrong with me. Then one day I saw my GP and he said that he thought I could be suffering with something called ME, I thought great at last I have a name for this and I can start to recover. Little did I know that this was only the start of a very long journey for me.
Since I have been ill I've constantly worried that my life is standing still while my age is still growing. I've always been a deeply ambious person so this illness has hit me hard because there is a part of me that is concerned that I will never make anything of my life, I won't ever achieve anything that I concider to be "worthwhile" and with each year that passes a sucessful career seems ever more distant and unlikely.
I worked a lot with my counsellor because I've found being ill extremely difficult over the years, and that is hard for me to admit, as there is such a stigma attached to having to seek this type of professional help. I thought it was just oversensitive weak people that went to therapy but I was wrong! One of the things that I find difficult is the fact that I will constantly compare my life to that of my friends. What they have achieved, but I haven't. Places they've visited, but I can’t. Goals that they've reached, but I can only dream of and so on. I never talk about being ill with anybody so when I first started having counselling it was a new experience for me. From talking to no-body I was suddenly expected to speak of nothing else and that was painful for me. I was told that I was wasting energy suppressing my emotions and that energy was badly needed elsewhere, I don't know if I believe this but I am prepared to accept that this may be the case. When I was first offered counselling I didn't want to know I refused to see her. I thought yes I have emotional issues, but they are mine and I just can't and I won't talk about this. My OT spoke to me the next day in a harsh but fair manner and I gave in. This was and is the scariest decision that I have ever made.
My counsellor was lovely and I immediately liked her, but liking her made me feel nervous because I didn't feel this was a safe relationship. I think that what counsellor or therapist's offer is a synthetic "friendship". The bottom line is no matter what happens they will only ever see you as a client, not an equal and not a friend. I stayed with my counsellor on and off for about three years and more recently once a month for about a year. Over this time we talked about many things and in the end she probably understood me better than I do myself or at least would ever admit to. I saw her for the last time at the beginning of January and even now not many days’ go past when I don't wonder what she is doing or where she is. I have a tremendous amount of respect for her and she is someone who I will never forget. As a person she was immense and she has been a inspirational figure in my life.
I am three months on now from when she left and some days I still miss her but I realize that I need to move on with my life and sail on to calmer waters. I see a Psychotherapist once a week, we are changing my programme a little and I hope to be able to push on and start getting my life back. I still feel the stigma attached to being in therapy and few friends outside my inner circle know that I receive this kind of help. However if this is the difference between me getting better or not, then I'd be an idiot not to take this opportunity and see where it gets me. I already have enough regret in my life without looking back and thinking if only I'd...........because ultimately this sort of thinking can and will destroy you.
When I think of the future I feel afraid, my biggest fear is to get better and discover that everything that I’ve dreamed of through these difficult illness years has been exactly that, a dream. I hope everyday that the illness hasn’t robbed me of the life I was meant to have, but somehow never got. The bottom line though is this, I don’t know what the future holds for me, I have no magic crystal ball, but I’ve got one shot at this life and if I give in to my negative thinking then I’m beaten already, and the future that I see on a black day will become my reality. So I'm going to take a deep breath, dig deep, and I'm going to fight for my future and what I deserve, I will not rest until my mission is over, and my goals have been reached. So watch this space.

http://www.geocities.com/hannah_butterworth/

hannah_butterworth@yahoo.co.uk