ANGELA

(submitted 21st May 2004)

Email Angela

How Fibromyalgia has changed my life.

March 26th 2004 I was diagnosed with FMS. FMS is “Fibromyalgia” I paid a lot of money to see a specialist he was honest and he talked for over an hour with me, it was great to be treated with respect. I have seen many doctors they did not give me the time of day. This specialist checked all the 18 points and explained to me what they mean he let me ask questions and listened to me. He told me ways to help myself and also told me about this FMS support group. I feel relieved now that I know I am not crazy. I have had pain, for years; going on 20 years. I just ignored it; I thought I was going insane. I hurt all the time and the pain would move from place to place on my body. I thought what the heck is going on, I cried all the time it was depressing. I would wake up in the middle of the night shaking and freaking out in my head thinking this is not real. Now that I have a name for this condition I am relived to know I am not insane.FMS affects your whole body it feels like having the flu that never goes away. I don’t sleep well at all I am up every 2 hours, some nights I can’t get to sleep and I just stay up until I pass out. I am not getting the rest I need. Some times I take over the counter meds to sleep. I have been using food like a drug and I just accepted myself fat. As time went on the pain I was experiencing became worse I got sick and tired of it and since I don’t have insurance I cannot get any medication. I searched all over the net about FMS and healthy diets.
I found lots of information and started to change my eating habits. I have lost over 50 pounds I feel much more positive about myself. My self-esteem is better. My muscles still hurt, the weight loss has not helped the pain of FMS, but the weight loss makes it easier because I can stand longer on my feet. I could not stand while cooking in the kitchen for long periods of time. What helps me is using a bar stool to sit on while washing dishes or chopping vegetables. When making a big meal I have to do it little by little. Since November 2003 I have used a cane to walk. In April of 2004 I received a wheel chair from a church that donates them to people who need them. I have not been able to work since November of 2003 I do not go out side very often. I have been staying home most of the time because of pain from FMS and depression. I use a cane to help me get around in the house and the wheel chair. I never know when my legs will give out and drop me to the floor. I hardly sleep and do not take any sleeping aids.It has not been easy for me to accept this I use to be in shape and could do so much more but now I feel like I am 80 years old in a 39-year-old body. It is not fair! I am learning from the FMS support group that I go to. That life is not always fair but this is the way it is. I have to accept it and go on with life make the best of it. We are not here forever I may as well enjoy the life I have and be positive. My ego and pride has been getting in my way. I have cried a lot and I have been isolating a lot. I think a lot of the problem for me is acceptance. I have to accept what I have then I have to take action to help myself. Since I started going to the FMS support group I felt better I have only been to one meeting but I got to see how people can have a life and be happy and make the best out of their lives. I found out lots of information about how I can improve my life I am looking forward to going next month. I am learning to accept much better. I have to accept that I have FMS, and make the best of it. More than ever I have to have a complete unfailing trust in God. I am reminded of what the actor Jerry Lewis says at the end of the MD telethon “ You will never walk alone.” My attitude is changing I am excited since the first meeting at the FMS support group I got the courage to accept a scooter for myself to get around in. Especially since we do not have a car. My legs just don’t go as far as they used to. I was fortunate to get a scooter on an installment pay plan because I do not have the insurance to qualify for one. This is a blessing, I can go out to the store go on the bus. I can go out and live life. I have some goals I would like to pursue in my life. There are times I feel this pain I have physically is a punishment for me being the drunk I was. Then I have to remember I don't believe that God punish and I believe life is an experience for us to experience to get closer to our HP to experience the all that God is. I am finding out that there are certain actions I can take to better myself to live a longer, healthier, happier life. I have found out that swimming is easier than walking or stretching. Now that the weather is getting warmer I will be able to swim. There is help for people with FMS we just have to look and ask questions. I am becoming ok with myself, and learning to stop when I need to. I give myself permission to be human. I think acceptance is the key, not that we accept and sit around all day and do nothing but I feel I have to accept what I have and then do the foot work to make a life for myself. I am learning my limitations and rest when I need to, not go over board and do every thing at once. One thing that really helps me to accept what is going on in my life, and living with FMS is prayer and meditation. I have a lot of conversations with God; my way of praying is talking to God; like I talk to people. Then I have to listen for the answers. Be still to hear answers, I breathe in and out to get through the pain when I am in a flair up with FMS. Another tool I use is writing, writing helps me to accept, and deal with my emotions; writing is a tool I use often. I am seeing more and more that I am not alone. God is always with me. I am finding it is good to share with others who are going through similar experiences. I like the idea of a support group for FMS because we can encourage each other. I have received positive information from this support group what a blessing we have. I think since we look good on the out side and we feel like were dying in the inside people just do not understand our pain. People who have not experienced FMS do not know how it is to live in our shoes. The pain we have is real people have to believe what we say.
We have feelings we are human, I believe having FMS can be a blessing don’t get me wrong I would not wish this on anyone, but because of the pain, and the depression, I have been in I have gotten desperate to really enjoy life. Now I see what living in the moment really means. Since I have been sober and been going to 12step meetings I have been told to stay in the moment but not until having FMS have I really understood what staying in the moment really means. From day to day I do not know what to expect some days I can walk, some days I can’t. I am not taking life for granted any more like I used to. I am starting to see more what life is really about. Life is a gift. I believe those of us with FMS can have a wonderful life. We have to learn our limitations, learn what we can do, and cannot do, learn to ask for help when we need it. Give ourselves permission to not be perfect. Rest and relieve our stresses of daily living. I have a choice I can feel sorry for myself and try to hide from the world as I have done since I was diagnosed with FMS, or I can go on and make a life for myself, and even a better life then the one I had before FMS. Life is what we make it. I can enjoy or destroy it. It is my reactions to the experience of life.

http://www.angelfire.com/me5/angellady95/angelladyintro.html

angellady_8_14_95@yahoo.com